Trying hard...
Aug. 26th, 2023 05:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chicatingto imagine that I can be as happy as I'm hurting right now.(Kind of goes against Munchly wisdom, but I've tried it his way.)
Honestly? I've almost felt that my life has been over for some time, but, and I swear II don't mean this as baldly as it might come out, but I've kind of had a refresher at that, recently, and, well, I'm not there yet.
Wishing there didn't seem to be such a chasm between being alive and feeling like I had a life that was...I don't know, a thriving concern. Hard enough that my decisions don't matter,and there are so many situations I'm in where I could tank them(calling the social workers the worthless (your expletives here) they are, or telling Karla in the meetings to shove the agenda up her ass sideways) but no real way to come out on top or anything. The only way it feels like I could change my direction is self-destructively and negatively. Which is not what I want, past the point of seeing fear of me in someone's eyes sometimes.(and suddenly Dark Willow makes more sense than she ever has. Even though any rampages that come from this loss...probably shouldn't be mine to have.) You can't be thinking "Too bad we weren't better friends," AND "She shall be AVENGED." Or can you?--shut up, writing brain! Bad enough you are halfway wondering whether it would be The Husband or The Spawn that would need someone to show up with the yellow crayon more--not that, in real life, they seem in any way lacking in coping skills, I should note... just because I'm getting distracted by the plot impulse, on occasion.
Mom thinks I should quit, or at least pull back from the IOT, but I'm not sure hanging out with her watching more reruns is quite what Dr. Spielvogel ordered. "All better," Right? Nah, much as I love my mom and am glad we have some times that really do feel like hanging out, I think we shouldn't put anything else on that load-bearing relationship.
Honestly? I've almost felt that my life has been over for some time, but, and I swear II don't mean this as baldly as it might come out, but I've kind of had a refresher at that, recently, and, well, I'm not there yet.
Wishing there didn't seem to be such a chasm between being alive and feeling like I had a life that was...I don't know, a thriving concern. Hard enough that my decisions don't matter,and there are so many situations I'm in where I could tank them(calling the social workers the worthless (your expletives here) they are, or telling Karla in the meetings to shove the agenda up her ass sideways) but no real way to come out on top or anything. The only way it feels like I could change my direction is self-destructively and negatively. Which is not what I want, past the point of seeing fear of me in someone's eyes sometimes.(and suddenly Dark Willow makes more sense than she ever has. Even though any rampages that come from this loss...probably shouldn't be mine to have.) You can't be thinking "Too bad we weren't better friends," AND "She shall be AVENGED." Or can you?--shut up, writing brain! Bad enough you are halfway wondering whether it would be The Husband or The Spawn that would need someone to show up with the yellow crayon more--not that, in real life, they seem in any way lacking in coping skills, I should note... just because I'm getting distracted by the plot impulse, on occasion.
Mom thinks I should quit, or at least pull back from the IOT, but I'm not sure hanging out with her watching more reruns is quite what Dr. Spielvogel ordered. "All better," Right? Nah, much as I love my mom and am glad we have some times that really do feel like hanging out, I think we shouldn't put anything else on that load-bearing relationship.
maybe at the end of the year...
Date: 2023-08-27 10:02 pm (UTC)