chicating

(a tiny offering for my goals against self-denial and *for* trying new things.)Even though I'm hoping my next attempts are more exciting, every little bit helps.
Overall, I've undervalued the humble pear.

Not exactly the way I might have pictured, obvs, but the ornaments that I gave Mom last year look pretty good.

to pluck up my sagging self worth-- NOT!
(Hope it's no big deal, but sometimes it takes a while to get things in shape again.

trying to pretend that an intellectual expansion makes up for my lack of passion(want a thrill, but feel so guilty...so many people have such bigger problems.) But I'm not totally wrong, right--we wouldn't have endorphins and oxytocin and stuff if we weren't all built to want to use them somewhere.

really did help me spot some trouble spots so the virtual group is worth it, two sessions in, even if they start late all the time and aren't, like, The Answer or anything like that. (Not that I really thought that would happen, and I'm only aware I have the hope, down deep, because of that little deflation when it doesn't happen. Again.) It would be so *easy* if I could find something that would make me WANT to crank away in this little corner again and I'm trying my hardest to pretend this is true, but, meh.

The call that I can't stop thinking about from the weekend's calls was not a success. But I'm not thinking about it to beat myself up or to reflect on myself as sort of a magnet for weirdness or anything. I sort of expected that I wouldn't get anywhere with this woman--she sort of told me as much, right? I don't love that, but with a lot of my lists a certain amount of "Throw The Bums Out(Or maybe, since I gravitate toward the insurgent type: Don't Put The Bums In, ha ha!) is part of the deal before real talk begins. We talked for ten minutes...if she were really "fine," as she kept assuring me, that would not happen.(my boss would be very upset that I'm not imagining creating a comrade-for-life in any of these moments, but though I've witnessed calls that worked that well, it kind of hasn't happened to me, personally. Even my friendly people are just, like, "Cool! Good luck!" And that's good enough.Some girls just get it quick and dirty.) K. told me she was fine, didn't look to the government to solve her problems and that maybe closing the border was a good idea. She also told me she might have to move because she couldn't afford things, and her kids didn't have summer jobs.
I do think governments should be there to help people with their problems and I did push back on the border thing a little, because I think it's racist.On one hand, I think it's cool that women take pride in being independent, maybe ironically more so because I usually can't do it. But I had time to wonder, or indeed affirm, that K. was using stigma to keep boning herself. Although I really do know that it's not "just fill out a simple form" easy, but I believe it could and should be.

for a disability and storytelling fellowship. But I'm not gonna do it, because they need everything, like, now, at this point, and because I think the margins I sit on are a bit neater than what they intended--sometimes it really does confuse and hurt me that there does not appear to be a space that is truly mine on this planet that is not a blogging box, but, like, be happy, secure and assertive, right? #Ladyboss. Even special stuff either tells me I'm too special or not special enough.
This, quite frankly, is a head-fuck that I'm tired of being upset by, but I think I'm over it and there it is again! I wish we had disability community that didn't feel like it was on a point system or that I had to collect enough crip skee-ball tickets.
But even though this is not 'my shot", it felt good to imagine doing things in the future again that are not waiting out Medicaid or making phone calls to human cardboard cutout Mark Kelly. I've decided that the next thing that comes along that is even kind of close to the battered old mental building that somebody might call my wheelhouse and doesn't involve my having a lot of extra cash, I'll apply and sort out what happens from there.(And then, probably have some face-plant to write about, because to tell you the truth, I don't feel like somebody who gets what she goes after anymore, now that my Advanced Placement test scores have gotten all moldy. But the glimpse of agency and motion felt good.
my life kind of works when it fits around somebody else's life. Which is about as thrilling as it sounds, as much as I'd love to cut to the part everyone wants and say It Turned Out Okay. But I can't yet.

https://19thnews.org/2025/07/arizona-primary-election-grijalva-foxx/
(Not that the credit is mine, though I put in a few hours on this this month, and if she lost, I'd feel like some of the failure is mine, so, may as well take a little credit, too. It's good for Dan and Jenise and them.

feels kind of stupid...whose idea was that?
we're still working on the new TV thing.

A man goes to a doctor and gets bad news.
"I'm sorry, but you have a few weeks to live."
Understandably distraught, the man says "That's terrible. I want a second opinion."
"Ok," the doctor says. "You're ugly, too."
(This isn't my way of breaking health news...some bureaucratic bullshit brought it to mind.