chicating

because it reminds me of some of the worst "turning point" scenes in movies I saw when I was a kid(It was cool that there were more comedies in the 1980s, but some of them held us by the hand a bit more than they should have, right? Well, you probably still know the kind of scene I mean:

Our Main Character goes off dressed up in the morning, certain he's getting a promotion at Non-Specified Office Job, only to find out he is actually being demoted or fired instead so he trudges home with his, you know, life in a copy-paper box. And, because he comes home early, he catches his partner with someone else(Sometimes a friend) Maybe she tells him she's(Finding herself, meant to be a country star, or Faking It For Years)

Anyway, these things usually end with some guy crying, standing out in the rain, while a car or bus splatters him and his Box O'Crap. I don't ever want to write...that. But it sucks to feel that I've jerked the tension up too high or some shit.

Maybe I need to go back to the original conflict of the lack of access in the Special Occasion Restaurant so my couple can stay more of a team. Should I write another version? Should I write another version or slam my hand in a door lest I feel tempted to create again?

Maybe I need to think about what I really want to say through this couple, but it's always hard when there is a voice in my head all "What do you know? You're too defective to be in a couple longer than twelve minutes, and he would have married ANYONE," (he kind of did. she was my ugly copy)" And, by the way, the education you picked instead? Solid fucking bet. Betting on yourself, when that self is you...you may be so smart you are stupid, loser.

I tried to be more subtle, but my last round of feedback was just...frelling savage. (At least I paid kind of a lot of money for it so it feels really good to know that she hates my protagonist--I like Neil--if I did my job, she would like Neil at least some of the time instead of offering thoughts on "The Unlikeable Protagonist". She noticed every typo and flaw in my formatting(which is a fairer cop, I suppose) It would save me a lot of time if either
1. word processors had Short Story format mode.
2. Publications would admit we aren't in it to be junior paginators...stop giving us special challenges to prove we're listening/serious/ not typing from the shelter. Setting up Headers and stuff is a huge pain, which I hate. I hate it more when then it's like "We're judging blind...take your name off."

my brother got a bereavement day because his cat, Jimmy, died(My brother sells pet insurance, this is a perk.)
I want to help him out--I know how it is, although Jimmy has been scared of my mom for a long time so we didn't spend a lot of time together.NOTE: Mon didn't, you know, *scare* the cat, she was there helping or something when the cat got scared so he'd see her think "Yikes," and run off.

but I am torn about wanting A. to spend another day of mourning here...it's a lot going through every medical test, how sudden it is(He had something which he seemed to pull through great from earlier in the summer, but here we are. Did he not? Was it something else? The cat *was* sixteen...who knows?
A. is not a great listener or especially good for my concentration on his best day, which this is obviously not...I'm also concerned that he might literally attempt to drown his sorrows which is not very good.(Sometimes I think this might be a problem, but absolutely everyone can and does drink more than I do so what do I know?) And,Process or not, I'm not doing anything I can't pick up some other day.
I did send "Such A Great Body" out for another novella contest last week, though I'm not sure I still believe in it.

Stopped by Disability IOT yesterday. Glad to see they finally have an interpreter for it.(Maybe my nudging helped a little, but there are still lots of reasons why I write "They" instead of "We")
Called congress about attendant services-- so sure my voice, even with added name-dropping and acting like all 85 people from the meeting were gearing up pitchforks and torches made all the difference.(Actually, though, my First Thing is kind of...lunch on the Eastern Seaboard, so, meh. anyway.)
Don't really think Kelly is presidential material, although I never thought I'd look at the last two guys and decide that that is paying Mark a compliment. Kind of. sigh.
My life would feel easier if I really loved advocacy. instead, I had to get good at it, but sort of hate it.(And myself, probably)
KInd of hard getting through my days without passion. Especially since I don't actively PUt Dinner On The Table or anything--what the hell *is* this sometimes?

because everyone was a baby once. I've decided I'm gonna stop doing the "What if?" because it feels like a threat to *me* and I'm in this, right now, and it's sometimes not so fucking great. (it's true enough, but I don't know that it works as a talking point.)
is ableism because America says it loves kids and it doesn't? Because I could see that. Especially from boys who still tend to get "Don't be a wuss," and "Handle it yourself," as "advice" And then, what they see is that I get attention--they don't see that it's not that useful, but I'd have to have a Monty Python sketch to full-on decline it sometimes. maybe they remember some little-kid day when they got lost, wet their pants or both and they would do anything not to feel that way again.

I did not feel good very often in the early part of the month, with various little stuff, so I think that's good. Also...kind of in-between projects so it can be hard to corral the urge and dig deep if I'm not even sure that I care. Haven't found another idea that I feel like I *have* to bring to life(Or given my general track record, a half-life on my hard drive, but, you know, it could happen.

Finally breaking through my youthful block and writing about things that are negative. It seems funny given how much I complain, but, you know, writing was my playground when I couldn't use the playground--part of me would love to keep it that way because thinking up fun is fun, but I'm not sure I have anything to share if I did that.
(And, yes, I wish my crip life was good enough that "write what you know" didn't often feel like "Write about what blows," but at least right now, it kind of does.(It also sucks to feel like you have one job in life and you are really super-bad at it. Or maybe two, and ditto.) One of the sillier things I hate about my life is how seldom I get to look at a diary entry or something that I sent in e-mail and think "Phew, glad that's over," or even "I had no idea how much better things were gonna get." (sigh)

Although I *am* also at my nadir of wanting to hear the Republican "perspective" ever again.
Even the ones people like my brother pine for sound like "blah, blah, taxes are theft, blah blah, responsibility, blah blah, Judeo-Christian...like, I've heard it. Cause I live here.( I don't hate everything about it, but I'd still like to know what being somewhere where I belong, maybe, might feel like.) But what new hire gets to set the tone as much as Ainsley Obnoxious? You're the new(urk, she'd probably say "girl', which I still sort of hate, but not as much as in my NOW-donating, Emily's List, twenties) Girl, sit back, listen and learn--it's why you're there. It feels weird to call AH a "male fantasy" but I do think Sorkin et al are intrigued by a reformable anti-christ with long, blonde hair and a tight caboose that she flounces...there's a reason she doesn't look like Ginni Thomas, besides people that look like Ginni Thomas being on "COPS" at that time.
Can I talk about how much workplace TV, where they spend so much time making the ensemble fit and giving everyone their weird little place in the fake "dysfunctional family" did not prepare me for what finding a real workplace would be like? They don't chase you, they don't try to soothe your doubts or look past them because you offer something they don't have(Not that I really thought I'd manage Mel's diner and they'd swap me out for another snarky blonde chair user with a gamine haircut, not really, but it still invaded my thinking a bit.)

At the very least< I should get flowers or a parade. But I don't think I'll get it.
We're going to Big Box Bookstore tomorrow to get "my" issue of EQMM--I think they have it.
(Always fun to hang out there, though common sense says I don't need anything and culling again would be more sensible.) Also, since this one is about over(and I'm still wondering if it came with a side of ableism) I'm really hoping I won't have to go another ten years without a moment.

after taking a 3,000 word story to a thousand for a challenge, but I do have a version that works,even if I felt attached to some of the other words.
That may be my most involved edit in a year.(No. slightly less, because I cut up that other story to show to EQ and they hurt my feelings by wanting something else. Fortunately, I both had one, and took a day to be put-out rather than sending a flip-off emoji.