chicating

Crossposted from the blog...

2026-06-11T20:35:30Z

https://bohemiancrip.blogspot.com/2026/06/didnt-quite-finish-turn-washingtons.html
I thought learning about General Arnold's disability was interesting.
Other than that, I got two rejection slips this month and haven't been sick to my stomach in a few days.
I haven't been sleeping well, though. Despite thinking that after every late night, the next day will get me back on-track again or something, it doesn't happen.

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Belated Friday Five...

2026-06-01T21:06:54Z

(this is gonna make me look so virtuous, but Actual Mom deserves most, if not all of the credit here. She's the one that makes my house a home.) I would eat like George Costanza on a bender, probably, if it was always my call to make.
In an average week, how many nights do you eat home-cooked dinners?I'd say 5.
2. Do you plan your meals out in advance, or just wing it? Some planning, some winging. Most of my part is coming up with suggestions, which I did a few times a month till more frequent bouts of reflux have made thinking about food less appealing. I keep remembering all this stuff I read when I was younger about things like how people with Bulimia love dyed food like cheese puffs because they can be sure everything came up, and then wondering why I imprinted myself with that knowledge. Except that I was fascinated with the idea that people can "look Okay" and a. not know they Look Okay and 2. Not actually be Okay inside, for some reason.

3. How many nights per week do you eat out or order food delivered? At least one, sometimes two. I think about it much more often, but Mom sees that as a decline of civilization, and anyway, my need to digest and my occasional urge to have an adventure are kind of in conflict atm. (Hopefully not forever!)

4. Do you keep a stock of nonperishable foods from which you could whip up a meal or two if you needed to? A meal is probably a stretch, but because of the above, we'll always have soup and saltines.We could fill our stomachs, if not entertain.

5. Have you ever tried preparing meals for the week all at once, say, on the weekend?Not exactly...this might be more likely if I could *help* instead of just being a sidewalk superintendent...it's hard to make food for two or three, though, even when we're better at finishing off the leftovers.

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If I'm so great, say Yes!

2026-05-29T18:23:29Z

Another happy-talk rejection, complete with added feedback I paid for because I'm a masochist. This was a poem, so actually, rewrites wouldn't(couldn't?) be that extensive, but I don't know how much I care that this is the one, anyway. Maybe I should keep poetry as a private pursuit. I've never been a craftswoman, exactly, the kind of writer who's all "They changed a comma and DESTROYED my whole thought." which is probably good as I don't get treated reverently, even when I succeed, but maybe that has made me, if not lazy, a bit half-assed. Maybe I really should drill down and polish that little fucker(starting with the right attitude often helps, ha ha) till it gleams. And I know these places are halfway hoping for "I'll show them!1" #ShePersisted but sometimes I think I used all that that I will ever have, like, getting out of high school, or at most on The Degree That Never Mattered.

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Not sure I care about...

2026-05-21T21:45:56Z

Either of the WIPs I've got kicking around this month.(Which I know, if you're blocked right now, seems like an annoying #blessed humblebrag, I'm sure, but it's just...it seems like a fine line between "Engagingly surreal' and "!960s sitcom gimmick," Even though I loved some of those shows, I know which one we're supposed to aim for. And, yes, I went to class, so, yes, I've absolutely written and even submitted work that I did not love with every fiber of my being...it kind of makes the rejection part easier to bear, if not finishing the work.When it comes to the actual creation, though, it only works if I'm a*little* in love, I think.

Not sure I care about posting about Marlee Matlin on the West Wing, either, even if that is the kind of hypothetical posting That made me think about keeping up a blog in the first place...but, since I've written that so much in my head, maybe I feel like I don't really have to type it?(Although I will say that the most dedicated campaign managers I've ever met refrain from EVER acknowledging their candidate as a "schmuck" ever and I do think that the first time anyone there met her, smart or not, right-thinking or not, it would still be like "So, have you ALWAyS been deaf? How much hearing do you still have? Do you miss it? Must be handy during the rallies...kidding."(My Little Miss Diligent side did research and took notes because that's what she lives for, but I see it all in blue ink and shrug.)
Oh! I can spell my name in sign language...shit, wait a second."(Not that I'm totally sure myself that "No big deal!1" is really the card to play...it wouldn't go like that,anyway.)
On kind of a related note, Actual Mom has taken a training on "Caregiver Boundaries" which is a useful *thought* but I can't really imagine treating my home like a big old jobsite.

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An episode that would never air on American TV...

2026-05-19T19:30:31Z

Since i like American High Potential so much, I've also been watching dubbed versions of the French series(I'd watch subtitles, but my French is like " Yes. No. Cookie. Chicken..." There are words I can pick out(Spanish is not *fully* useless there, but anyway.) Mostly, what I notice is that to be French- hot, people seem to wear less make-up, and it's okay, maybe they even like it, if you skip that nose job.
But season 3 or 4(I'm not sure which) is building up to a different sort of climax(pun fully intended) as the genius single-mom character Morgane has done some bedhopping--a fling with a colleague, comforting her ex, I think, and a romp with a local gang-banger(On different episodes, but still) The next episode is that Morgane got pregnant and has to figure which guy is the father.

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Working My Way Through "Gender Trouble"...

2026-05-13T20:44:01Z

It is thought-provoking, but also kind of a brain-buster, too. It also kind of reminds me of those Clinton-era jokes about not knowing what "is" is.(Apparently, philosophy shares that trait with the law)
I wanted a challenge, but maybe this one was a little tough, as it feels like reading from translation a great deal of the time...maybe if I'd taken a class with it I wouldn't feel quite so at sea.I'll hang in for a little while, though.
Otherwise, my doctor thinks my vital signs are great--wish that meant I felt more vital and alive, and my boss keeps begging me to get on the phones again and I'm kind of hiding out from it for no really good reason.
It's just that...he just gets me all fired up and once I get down to it, there's no point.I'm calling machines to invite people to the same stuff we always have.(And something about talking to a near-stranger's AI assistant SERIOUSLY chaps my ass for some reason and puts me into Pesci vibes."I'm a clown...you're too *important* to talk to the likes of me." Argh...why it feels so much different than a machine, I'm not sure, except that a recorder can't pause for the whole "I'm not here," thing, right? a fucking blender can put me on-hold...damn, the future is awesome. And, you know, I've only gotten paid for campaign work a handful of times, so, you know, I'm working for passion and mission, mostly(and the vanishingly small possibility that my life might improve one day) so without it, I've smashed my ear and wasted an hour. So I went to M. last month and was like "If you don't need me anymore, just tell me, I get it. You don't have to Make Me Feel Useful, in fact I'll hate it if I catch you doing that(Long story, but voter contact is getting more automated and so I can't keep up with the most exciting stuff anymore. Boo!) So it kind of sucked when he responded with "You've earned the right to step away(sic) if you want." Which, like, okay, but I heard it like a single mom hears that the kids just love hanging out with Tiffany from the typing pool.
I wanted him to tell me I was too great to lose, but he also, like a lot people thinks I'm delicate.So every complaint I have ends up with "your health comes first," and all that, which probably makes him a great Real Boss to the organizers he's training and such, but is not, at least not entirely, on-topic for me.
Also, I wish something great would come into my life so "stepping away" wouldn't feel like "being a chickenshit" but I guess after twenty years being a little bored is to be expected?

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Riding The Smallest High Ever...

2026-05-01T21:13:09Z

I read for an audience of twelve, but it gave me something to look forward to when I haven't had many, and I had faith in myself to put myself on the program and stuff, which I wouldn't used to do, and other disabled people liked it, which doesn't always happen if I follow my most natural inspirations.
Pretty damn good for May Day Friday. Even if it isn't a huge step as I might long for in my wildest fantasies.

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I also get to dream about needing help...

2026-04-29T19:52:33Z

no wonder my life feels so...cramped lately.
Not exactly a nightmare, but not exactly "In my sleep, I'm free," like some of my new FB mispocheh.(I don't NEED that, but once in a while, it's nice, I guess.
(And it did make me think of things I'd rather not, so if dreams have a spectrum, it's kind of on the "nightmare" end of it.)

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Not exactly the May Day Poem I envisioned,

2026-04-27T19:23:41Z

But I'm gonna use it because the other attempt was, either slogany, or White Chick Dropping Beats because I'm still watching that doc about Afeni and Tupac Shakur, and nobody needs to see that, in my own estimation.
this one has a unifying image, at least.( Read more... )

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Best Markey Quote...

2026-04-18T20:53:19Z

From last night's virtual fundraiser."If you kicked{Trump} in the heart, you'd break your toe. Him and all his billionaire buddies."
This is probably aided by the fact that I find the way old guys from MA say "heart" to be amusing, thanks to the family Kennedy fixation, but it was on-target too, I think.

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It's Hard To Know What To Do Right Now...

2026-04-16T18:22:28Z

I start doing stuff that doesn't keep my attention, much less anyone else's(Does my opinion on the memoir all the social-justice geeks are writing about really matter enough to post? Thought so yesterday for a couple hundred words, but now? Not sure.)Or I could work on the crossover fanfic for some, in TV years, long-dead television that may only please one reader, ultimately, even if he's an important one. Do I do it anyway, and hope the thought that made me smile comes back?
Labors of love without the love are just kind of hard. Which has also kept me off the phones for a bit too.(Although maybe I'm just bored with that...it's been about twenty years, off and on, but the next level, or whatever, generally comes with commitments I can't satisfy.

Coaching or mentoring, or other things like that that you do when your life is together in a way mine will never be, as evidenced by the fact that having a password on a sticky was a minor victory this morning
Of course, they are filling in potholes around here for the last few days--hard to concentrate in the good old home office, but of course as a chair user, I support filled-in potholes, naturally!

Up to the wedding in the JFK junior show...I had *such* a crush on him in college.Really like the depictions of Carolyn, too, though--just what I need, another dead friend.Especially one who would always be cooler and better dressed.

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State webinar was...

2026-04-10T17:47:32Z

--pediatric
--borderline incomprehensible(I don't have to look for fights!)
I get so angry when I think of all of my time that they've wasted. I think I could have spent a few weeks in Australia if I could have the part of my life back they wasted on meetings, papers and blah, blah. all to keep things going that don't really make me happy.

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I don't know why...

2026-04-09T22:51:59Z

getting a refund makes me feel guilty. It's not really my job to keep these writing classes open, and it's not like I promised someone specific that I'd do it with her.(Part of me still wish I'd just said "yes" but the money might come in handier than feeding my dumb brain, anyway.
(Part of me has always been holding out for something more passionate than me being a good little girl with my notebook, also, though, I have to admit that.)

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I know I'm not a scientist...

2026-04-01T20:12:22Z

But if anybody wants me to believe that we people with cerebral palsy just, sort of, nicked our happiness lobes on the way out(She didn't say that, exactly, but dumber people fucking have) then I want to see the control group full of disabled people who get what they need and want without logistical juggling and feeling like an outsider, well, everywhere. Then maybe I can be all "Stupid brain chemistry, making me unhappy when I have all this." Sure,then, maybe. Mostly, I think that is much more convenient for abled people to think about than how different we're not.
But I don't see that, though we are not monolithic.
Mostly? It's the ableism, stupid.
I mean, Freud was weird, but he wasn't always wrong about EVERYTHING.
Love and work are both kind of kept from us, right?

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Belated Friday Five...

2026-03-22T19:59:03Z

These questions were suggested by [personal profile] melagan.

1. What was the reason you began a Dreamwidth or LiveJournal account (or both)? Probably back when I wrote a lot of fanfiction, which I kind of don't now. although I did begin a crossover sequel yesterday--we'll see if I really write it.

2. How many DW or LJ communities do you subscribe to? Kind of a lot, considering how quiet a lot of the comms are. Why did we ever abandon text for memes and pics?

3. Do you have a favorite community or one you check out often to see what's new?Both.

4. How did you pick your user name?It's a family nickname that I also write fic under.

5. If you could change your user name, would you? Considering the level of things that I would change about my life and identity, this doesn't even rate, but probably not.

The following bonus questions are brought to you by the fact that I (anais_pf) have been unable to access any page of LiveJournal for more than a week (and therefore cannot post to The Friday Five there):

6. If you have a LiveJournal, are you currently able to access it? Haven't even used it except to look at old stuff for years...feel like I would have deleted when it became all Russian except that I forgot my password or something. Am torn between being comforted by the memories when I do read it and sad about the stuff from then that still dogs me now.

7. Do you have any information about why one would be unable to access LiveJournal?

Copy and paste to your own journal, then reply to this post with a link to your answers. If your journal is private or friends-only, you can post your full answers in the comments below.

If you'd like to suggest questions for a future Friday Five, then do so on DreamWidth or LiveJournal. Old sets that were used have been deleted, so we encourage you to suggest some more!

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Feel like quitting everything...

2026-03-19T00:23:23Z

but instead, here's some of what I've done the past few weeks.
( Read more... )

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WIP Wednesday, and a streaming find...

2026-03-11T21:53:56Z

If you get a chance and don't mind sentiment(or musicals) you might want to stream "Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist" which I missed during the pandemic. it's cute, but also pulls your heartstrings too.
thought I'd be back here faster, but some virus or allergy attack had me literally sucking on a lozenge for week so, you know.
WIP: A revamped version of "My Friends Think I'm Crazy", which I'll put a sample of under a cut.
( Read more... )

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If I were looking for a phone shift to restore my passion,

2026-02-24T00:26:50Z

this wasn't the one.(I'm not sure that there could be one...not giving 110% kind of feels right right now.) But at least, I could fill in the part of my bingo card for "Another disabled person tells me a long sad story," so #smallvictories.
My story will be workshopped for last class tomorrow--I've gotten a little feedback, and it's pretty good.

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Last night was like a House teaser...

2026-02-16T17:36:54Z

my stomach was *so upset*--although I've always been...kind of the type, the last few times have been more intense. Do not like.

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Valentine themed Friday Five...belated.

2026-02-15T01:04:19Z

Who was your first kiss? Not exactly sure, a lot of my milestones were really late, but also clustered within the same year or so. Not sure if it was my roommate's friend or my neighbor.They were both decent in the moment, but kind of bad ideas. Somebody had to be first--I was at the end of my teens.

2. Who is the last person you kissed?Mom and I kiss, but we don't *kiss*, right? If you are talking about the passionate kind, he is on my circle.

3. What is the story of your most romantic kiss?1. At a party, New Year's Eve, even if we didn't go out for a year of weekends after this, still my favorite because it's a movie moment I actually got to have. 2. On a hotel terrace after meeting online friends in real life. It started to rain, not like a Cusack movie poster, but enough that rain makes me think of him often.

4. What is the story of your worst kiss?Either that the year of weekends ended on Valentine's Day, or something shorter and more general: Too Much Tongue, Too Fast.

5. Who do you want to kiss right now?In some ways, I've learned a lot since I was the bookish little thing that was secretly still hot to trot, but it's been a while--I'd be pretty open right now.But I'd love to see my online posse, too.

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Friday Five...

2026-02-06T21:15:13Z

se questions were suggested by [livejournal.com profile] that_one_girl.

1. What did you want to be when you were a kid? My mom's friend used to buy books for the library. She was also cool so I think I wanted to be her. I also have wanted to be a writer that long so I'm kind of doing it.

2. What is your proudest accomplishment so far?I don't know...I have a few great bylines, but I think I am most glad about helping someone else.This week, it was that I could participate in a crowdfund that kept someone in her home.

3. What is your dream job?Crip!TanahesiCoates, in a cooler city that isn't a drag.If everything had worked out, maybe I'd be some progressive's CJ Cregg.But I'm kind of only a leftist because things *didn't* work out...that version would have different dreams, anyway, probably.

4. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I don't. Like, at all. I don't see myself dead, either, but I don't see *anything*--it's kind of disturbing.I used to be such a little *planner*. Of course, that was devastating when none of it worked out, but I signed off on it, damn it!

5. What does it take to make you happy? Is it too insufferable to be like Justice Stevens and say "I know it when I see it." Happy is hard, but contentment might be easier. I was very happy watching "Becoming Janr" yesterday, even if it's a big Austen RPF.

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Got to brag a little last night..

2026-02-04T18:36:52Z

over my latest upcoming clip, and even more exciting, spoke with some authority about my ideas, process(gotta get one!) and the like.
It was most unusual and a pleasure to discuss without the "Wow, you made that *all by yourself* vibe that has accompanied prior discussions of my stories.
I could get used to that, but probably shouldn't. Will try to carry it with me, though, going forward.

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I've had some tough Februaries...

2026-02-02T20:18:23Z

But January this year was partly nauseating(Even as it picked up at the end) so this should represent a step forward.

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Had a fired-up moment last night...

2026-01-30T19:18:20Z

about pitching one of my essays, like, right now."I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and damn it, people like me."(Well, I'm not sure they do, really. Especially around here.)

But I had a target in mind and they seem like they don't really do personal accounts anymore. So, there goes that head of steam...felt nice for a moment though.But I guess any thought that includes me and"tackling" anything is just sort of wrong. All that wasted, misplaced self-love, bubbling around for no good reason...can a person's ego get blue balls? It's probably from the story and how eager I am to try to prove I'm not some...literary make-a-wish. But, now I feel like I put on makeup to lie down alone. Either I can focus on how pretty it was or what a pain it'll be washing it off the sheets...usually, I admit, I'd pick the sheets because that's just what my life is like,

Maybe it was Jacqueline....it was sort of frustrating when she made me feel good about myself when she was alive, too. Good that we can keep that streak going across time and space!

It's not really that I hate myself *that* profoundly, although I do have my moments. I don't know, the timing would usually be really bad. Like, "Fill out a fellowship application in three days because you can't win if you don't play," bad.(Do I seem like a person that could EVER happen to? Leaving aside the whole can't-be-accomplished on benefits thing, which I don't think she ever understood, where winning that would have closed one door as it was opening another. maybe.) Looks like it still is.
There'll be some contest(that I won't win, either) Or I'll be bored in the heat of summer(Hopefully strong enough not to get a Bluesky) put it up the blog and vaguely remember this little hint of drama.

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Decent Day On The Phones Last Night...

2026-01-29T21:25:20Z

so of course the new story for workshop seems...slow at first glance.
(Will really dig in tomorrow. Maybe just a bad beginning, though my own writerly struggle is always endings and I can start things all day. writing is the most fun for me before you have to, you know, live with what you decide and make the mosaic fit together.)

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chicating

Crossposted from the blog...

Belated Friday Five...

If I'm so great, say Yes!

Not sure I care about...

An episode that would never air on American TV...

Working My Way Through "Gender Trouble"...

Riding The Smallest High Ever...

I also get to *dream* about needing help...

Not exactly the May Day Poem I envisioned,

Best Markey Quote...

It's Hard To Know What To Do Right Now...

State webinar was...

I don't know why...

I know I'm not a scientist...

Belated Friday Five...

Feel like quitting everything...

WIP Wednesday, and a streaming find...

If I were looking for a phone shift to restore my passion,

Last night was like a House teaser...

Valentine themed Friday Five...belated.

Friday Five...

Got to brag a little last night..

I've had some tough Februaries...

Had a fired-up moment last night...

Decent Day On The Phones Last Night...

I also get to dream about needing help...